


You Say Goodbye (I Fell Apart)

by SuperSQcat (sadisticlover86)



Series: I'm not Ready [3]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Flashbacks, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 13:10:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9442070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadisticlover86/pseuds/SuperSQcat
Summary: She wished she had never heard Snow say those words, wished she’d never stepped a foot at Granny’s today.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hi again. I’m sorry for the wait, but this took a lot for me to get it done, and work has been keeping me busy. 
> 
> The whole installment is a flashback, in case you got confused, and it deals with miscarriage, nothing graphic though. I’m not sure if it considered as a trigger, but I won’t talk any chance with that.
> 
> The title is from ‘Westlife’ song ‘I Cry’.
> 
> Again, English is not my first language, and all mistakes are mine.
> 
> Keep in mind that not everything in the series is accurate. Some of the characters might seem OC, and I might use events that happened from any season as I see fit. So I’m not completely including the happenings and characters of the show into writing this, chronically or in other way. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing
> 
> Enjoy

“Regina”

Hearing Emma’s concerned voice made her cry harder, biting on her hand to muffle the noises she’s making. 

She can’t believe this is happening to them. She knows it’s not Snow’s fault, but she’s powerless against her thoughts, feeling that they had been cheated on by fate, once again. The jealousy and agony that scorches her chest is like nothing she had felt. She wished she had never heard Snow say those words, wished she’d never stepped a foot at Granny’s today.

All their expectations and excitement are gone, and there is nothing she can do to make the pain disappear.

Nothing to do to change that fateful day, a month and a half ago.

\-----------------------------

She was in her office, working as usual, when all of a sudden a sweltering ache tore through her frame like fire, she felt like a knife is slashing through her abdomen. She struggled to breath. Her heart broke into million pieces. She knows what that pain meant. She felt it twice not long ago and she prayed she was wrong about this.

Collecting her bag and cell phone, her trembling fingers swiping at the screen, looking for her wife’s name. She dials and hold it against her ear hoping Emma would pick up soon.

“Hey baby, I was on my way to you for lunch” hearing Emma’s affectionate voice rips a sob from her mouth and she can hear Emma frantic calls of her name  
“Regina, baby what’s going on? Regina…Regina talk to me please”

She tries to steady her voice, but it comes out strained and frightened “Emma, something is wrong. I have to go to the hospital now, please I have to…”

“Regina wait! I’m on my way, don’t leave just… just wait please” Her wife’s distressed tone keeps her rooted at the entryway of her office. Closing her eyes, she has no other choice but to do as her wife said “Ok”.

She hears Emma exhales a heavy breath, and what looks like the ding of a door closing, and then “I love you Regina, I love you so much, we’ll be ok. I’m on my way” trying to keep her emotions in check she answer with all the love she feels at the moment

“I love you too”

They reach the hospital ten minutes later thanks to Emma’s driving skills. Her wife supporting her weight while she cries from the pain intensifying ten folds. They admitted Regina in once Emma starting shouting frantically and demanding the medical staff to attend to Regina as soon as possible. They had done all the tests, giving her medications to stop the pain and prevents the contractions that will cause the baby’s early arrival, but it’s too late. Nothing will save her baby; she lost the only thing that links her to Emma.

She knows Henry is theirs, hers and Emma’s, but she had seen her wife looking at baby pictures when she thought Regina was asleep. Wanting to give her wife what she yearned for, she had talked to her the next morning, and they agreed to go to a clinic outside of Storybrooke in order to do all the necessary tests. 

It’s in that day she found out that due to complications after Henry’s birth, Emma couldn’t carry a baby. Her wife had been emotionless, recounting the story as if she’s separating herself from what happen. That night, she made love to Emma, ending ep with her wife crying herself to sleep in her arms. 

She prayed to every deity that she had shown Emma how much she loves her. How much she is willing to do this for them.

She has been so happy to carry a part of Emma inside of her. Deciding to use an egg from her wife with a donor that matches Regina was the happiest day of her life. All she wanted was a little bit of the saviour inside of her, a little boy or a girl that will retain Emma’s characteristics that makes Emma who she is.

She had been very careful with this one, taking good care of herself; eating nothing but healthy food, giving up coffee was not much of a trouble for her. She even researched the internet for everything and anything that could get them through this safe, and started doing Yoga more and signed earlier in Lamaze classes – as crazy as that sound – because she wanted this baby so much.

Nonetheless, it was all for nothing.

They discharged her the same day, not seeing any reason for her to stay, recommending that she rest for the days to come. Her body is burnt-out and she needs to recharge before trying again. 

Miscarriage.

She loathe that word with all of her being, hearing the doctor spew out facts and medical nonsense at them sets her teeth on edge. Whatever the reason is for the miscarriage, no matter how many times they would try, the result would be the same; she will mess everything up again since that’s what she always do.

They arrived home that night drained. Preparing for bed, her body is numb to her surroundings, going through the motion of scrubbing her face clean and changing. She feels Emma stand behind her in their closet, not saying a word. She knew her wife is only holding it together for her sake, she knew Emma wanted to break down and let all the pain and anguish out of her body. What she did only made Regina’s heart shatter inside of her, made her even more determined to set the blonde-haired woman free. She had held Regina tightly against her chest, murmuring her name repeatedly, voice cracking over her words, telling her over and over how much she loves her. 

All she did was hold Regina through the night. 

She fell into depression, never leaving the bed, never eating or taking any visitors. Emma stayed by her side all the time, never once complaining or making her grief known to Regina. 

However, one night she heard her wife’s soft cries in the shower. Her heart broke all over again, and she couldn’t do anything about it.

A week later, Emma convinced her to go to Archie. Reasoning that if she won’t talk to her, at least she can talk to him. She had been going twice a week for a little under a month, she felt and looked better. The pain is still there, but she’s no longer wandering like a lifeless body in their hose. In addition, she can tell by getting better, she gives her wife one less problem to worry about. 

Her break down happened a month later

She was at Granny’s for her morning coffee. She saw Emma and Mary Margaret sitting at one of the booths in the back, talking in a hushed tone. Watching her wife smile made her smile, but soon her smile vanishes when she sees the same anguish she saw on Emma’s face the day they lost the baby, taking hold of her delicate features now. She makes her way to them quickly and discreetly, and she catches the tail end of Snow’s sentence. Her insides experience the feeling of being ripped out of her body at what she hears, at the same time, her wife’s forest green eyes lock with her own in surprise.

“You’re father and I are expecting a baby”

\-----------------------------

“Regina?” sliding down the bathroom floor, Emma scoops Regina up in her arms, cradling her against her chest while the brunet cries intensifies into wracking full body sobs. She has an inkling to the cause of her wife’s break down, and her heart clenches painfully making it hard for her to breath for a second.

“It’s gone Emma, I’m sorry love, I’m so sorry” is all Regina can say, repeating it like a prayer, hoping her blonde wife would forgive her.

She feels Emma tighten her arms around her. She can make out the few words that is whispered in her ear “Be Strong” “We can try again” “I love you” “Don’t give up baby” “We can do this together” repeatedly, and she cries harder because she knows that won’t happen again.

Looking up at Emma, she feels an extreme pain piercing her heart at the tear tracks marring her wife’s beautiful face. Knowing Emma was thrilled to share this experience with her - whether it was a girl or a boy - and vowing to never let them down the way their parents did, made the pain all the more crippling.

“Regina baby, I know this feels like the end. You might feel drained and empty but we can try again ok? We can try this, there has to be another way, just don’t give up baby please. I’m here, I’ll always be here” 

She nods her head, showing Emma that she understand, accepting the kiss given to her, she held her wife as tight as her exhausted body allow her to. However, deep down she knows she can’t keep going like this anymore, knows her wife deserves someone who can give her the simplest things in life, a baby.

She has to let her go, even if it kills her.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this answers some of your queries. Until the next one.
> 
> BJ


End file.
